Praying to Pray

I hate sounding depressed. Like really. I hate sounding like someone who hates life, cause really, I don't. I just find myself pulled into places where I have to trust God, or rather, as it sounds in my mind, trying to trust God.

This is my forth time crying today, and because of what? I'm not exactly sure. The first time it was because I found out we will probably be selling our piano, or rather, mum's piano. No it did not mean that much to me, but I guess it was just the fact that once again, life is changing. I but my facebook status as "Beth thinks life would be so much easier if I learnt never to be attached...to anything." I guess I have always been on to latch on to thing...I'm sure there is some psychological reason why, like, because we moved I clung on to what I had, or something like that. But my thoughts brought me back to when I was; 9 I think. We were sitting around the table in Quebec and suddenly my old doll came to mind. The one with hair larger than any woman's I had ever seen (honestly, and it was life size, I would put her in my brothers car seat). So, I asked mum, "What happened to that doll" (I forget her name...maybe Elizabeth...all of my doll's had E names ;)) "Oh we sold her," Mum said. And I burst into tears! It had been about 2 years since I'd seen that doll, and probably 3 since I had last played with her. Haha, funny enough that my parents felt so bad about selling that doll that that Christmas they bought me another on, Emily I named her. And I still have her to this day.

The other thing that made me cry today was after I received a call from Prairie where we talked about pre-registration stuff, including payment. The total cost for the year is about $14,000, not including gear which will cost all the money I'm making this summer. Where in the world am I going to get that money?! I received $500 in scholarships, one of Lisa's friends is lending me his books for the year (THANK YOU) and I have applied for OSAP (Ontario Student Loan) but that only really covers half! I see how God has provided for my family, a house, a car, even a trailer. But for some reason I find myself thinking, He cares about us, but will He provide for "me". As if my whole life, it hasn't been me, but us. Now that it's me, I actually have to trust, or try to. Which is really an oxymoron, trying to trust. Trusting is...well what is trust. Counting on someone to step in when needed I guess, or willing to risk something for them. And to try is to, well attempt to. So I am attempting to count on God to step in? If only my faith would come as easily as that paragraph.

Please please pray for me. I hate being an adult and wish I could go back to the days where mum and dad make it up to me by buying me another doll. Pray that I will trust God, in everything. Pray that I will be open in how I am feeling to those around me. Pray that I won't let this stress affect my attitude or my relationship with Christ. And pray that I'll remember to pray.